Dating red flags in Southeast Asia
Red flags, icks, whatever the term you use, people have always had certain traits they avoid in people they date. While these can vary from one person to another, there are some red flags that many of us can agree on.
Compare your preferences with these 7 Southeast Asians’ dating red flags. Plus, find out if they think their culture affects their views on the type of people they should date – or rather, avoid dating.
1. “They show controlling and possessive behavior.”
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“To me, it personally signals a lack of trust and insecurity in a relationship and what has been built between two adults, and feels like it could quickly lead to an emotionally abusive relationship. Jealously is a tad fine lol – till it leads to this.
Though it is extremely important to communicate any emotional boundaries say, for example, if someone in the relationship feels uncomfortable with you buying expensive things for someone else, then that should be clearly communicated (cue TikTok Boyfriend Hoodie Drama).
Also, Asian parents can be quite helicopter (overprotective and controlling) – so it’s just quite an ick to have that kind of behavior from your partner.”
Do you think your culture has an influence on why you view this as a red flag?
“There are a lot of borderline toxic possessive partners in Chinese dramas so I don’t think it’s only a Malaysian or Southeast Asian thing.”
-Emma, 25+, Malaysia
2. “They take up the entire conversation and do not give me space to talk.”
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“It’s so selfish and borderline narcissistic to keep talking (and this usually comes in tandem with talking about yourself). People who do this lack self-awareness or are just naturally selfish. What kind of person doesn’t realize they’ve been taking up the entire conversation this whole time?
When I realize this on a first date, I usually end up asking them a spiral of questions about themselves just to see if they realize they’ve been talking about themselves this entire time. Some eventually realize it. One or two don’t and they don’t get a second date.”
Do you think your culture has an influence on why you view this as a red flag?
“I think the opposite is true – Southeast Asian culture makes women feel like we are not allowed to take space before the man. I guess to some degree, this norm has made it easier for men to bulldoze their way into a conversation (even on a date) without thinking of the other person.”
-Jocelyn, 33, Singapore
3. “They try too hard to impress.”
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“It shows deep insecurity. They aren’t showing their true self but a version that will impress someone.
I fell in love with such a person once. Later on, their true self came out and it’s the opposite of the personality they had when we started dating.”
Do you think your culture has an influence on why you view this as a red flag?
“In Thailand, people seem to have low self-esteem from bad parenting. When you date a person with low self-esteem, you will be the one who doubts your self-confidence in the end. “
-James, 28, Thailand
4. “They’re not independent or self-sufficient enough for my standards.”
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“I just think that when you’re in your mid-20s, you should be responsible for yourself. If someone still depends on their parents for money or to fix their problems, I don’t think that person is equipped to be in a relationship.
It kind of gives you a glimpse of your future with that person. They’ll either end up depending a lot on you or will always bring their parents into your problems as a couple.”
Do you think your culture has an influence on why you view this as a red flag?
“I don’t think Filipinos are very particular about self-sufficiency, seeing we have a “breadwinner culture”. But that’s another story. I believe self-sufficiency is a trait everyone should look for in a partner, regardless of race or culture.”
-Angela, 25, Philippines
5. “When they smoke and drink.”
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“It’s extremely unhealthy and financially burdensome! I would not want to support my partner in their smoking and drinking habits.”
Do you think your culture has an influence on why you view this as a red flag?
“I think we’re universally taught from a young age that smoking and heavy drinking is not good. I suppose I’ve been brought up in an environment where these habits were kept at a distance from me and I’ve never accepted it in my circle.”
-Megatron, 28, Malaysia
6. “When she takes it for granted that I’ll pay for all the expenses on a date.”
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“If I date someone, it is my intention to pursue a serious relationship. So it is important that both parties contribute and appreciate the other.
I am more than happy to pay, but she should at least offer to split the bill or to pay for drinks if I pay for the meal. I wouldn’t let her pay, but it is important to me that she offers. I do not like to be taken for granted.
My previous girlfriend and I always split all expenses equally. It’s a quality I appreciate and look for in a future partner.”
Do you think your culture has an influence on why you view this as a red flag?
“I think it is universal that men are generally seen as the providers. I’m sure this is a topic of discussion in every culture.”
-Toàn, 28, Vietnam
7. “When he has outdated expectations of women.”
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“For example, saying that he is looking for a long-term partner and that he expects her to be able to cook, clean, wait on him, and be his mommy or maid, basically. As if his having these “wifey material” expectations would make us fawn over him. It’s not cute and I will not live my life serving a man just because he thinks that is what a wife should do.
When a man starts listing out a mile-long checklist from their build-a-perfect-wife-kit to accommodate to him and his expectations, please run.”
Do you think your culture has an influence on why you view this as a red flag?
“In a way, yes perhaps. Many people, not just men, are way too sheltered, and everything their mom or parents say will overrule their partners. And that would seep into major relationship stuff like what house they’re going to buy and how their children are raised.”
There are lots of people who will tell you a super close bond with mommy is the most important sign of a good man. But there is a difference between being a good son, and just being a mama’s boy his whole life and not knowing how to make his own life decisions like a proper adult. I wish women can be aware of this and differentiate the two for their own good.”
-V, 28, Malaysia
Dating red flags according to Southeast Asians
Although many of these red flags are universal, some of our respondents pointed out how their culture impacts their dating preferences. But wherever these stem from, knowing about other people’s dating red flags helps relationship deal-breakers which we may not have considered before.
If you’re looking for a unique activity for your date with your SO, check out these date ideas in Metro Manila, including free and budget-friendly options. Or surprise them with flowers from one of these Metro Manila flower shops.
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